unconditional love Archives

Happy Black-eyed Susans and the State of the Family in America

August 8, 2017 by Pranada Comtois Leave a Comment

Spring brings phlox. White, purples, pinks. They’re soft, delicate, peaceful. I adore them. When in bloom, they’re always nestled throughout the sacred space in my temple room in small understated vases. But I treasure the Black-eyed Susan’s cheerful orange-yellow glow. They have a fire for life but not without graceful countenance.

I just walked in the door from picking my first gathering of the season. Spritely, joyful Susan’s deserve larger vases: one white and blue in delicate ceramic design, the other deep ruby-wine glass vase. When I must discard my yellow bundles of love, I put them in the dirt on both sides in the front of the house. They seed themselves. They grow themselves from their own deaths. I’ve got a whole Black-eyed Susan garden thriving and I want to extend their patches of space.

There’s another garden I’m giving special attention to: my friends and family and complete strangers. Every day I turn myself over to the practice of unconditionally loving. This takes practice, rigorous practice at first. I don’t always feel loving, and people, family included, can be absolutely impossible at times.

Actively cultivating unconditional devotional love for my Divine Other, the Supreme Person, makes it possible to tend to other relationships. See, I found out that no material relationship makes me whole, and unless I’m whole I can’t love unconditionally. Through great suffering and loss, I learned the secret to giving unconditional love in this world—and not be drained or degraded by the offering—is to make developing love of God my central relationship. In that relationship (as one friend likes to say) “giving is receiving; the giving is getting.” When I’m hooked up to the Supreme Person, my unlimited, giving source, I find the ability to extend unconditional love to others.

Once I decided that my life’s work and joy, my spiritual path, the way toward my human evolution is to develop unconditional devotional love, I’ve found that it seeds itself, sprouts up from and strangles fear, and returns love to me unbounded.

As I braved thorn bushes and stinging Nettle in open sandals to pick Susans, I was thinking about families and our relationships within them. I agree with Debra Moffitt in How Relationships Heal: Moving into the Divine Union.

Within relationships we have tremendous potential for spiritual development. Have we heard how this can be possible? Do we understand the significance for our lives? Do we believe this?

If we look at the state of family in America we might suspect our collective answer has to be “no” to each question. Do we care about this? Enough to change—maybe not the whole society—but ourselves? Are we depriving ourselves and our loved ones of something by sticking with the “no” answer?

After looking at statistics below, if you had to rate it honestly, how would you rate the health of Family in America?

Awful, Poor, Fair, Good, Great?

Divorce rate holds firm at 50% for many years^[1], with more than 2 million couples marrying every year^[2]. One million marriages coming to an end every year means emotional turmoil for 2 million people and their families.

Most everyone either knows the emotional and relational costs of divorce or is close to someone who does. Divorce may be nasty or not, but almost always is painful as we watch life push us forward past evaporating dreams.

Divorce isn’t the only familial ill in America (or elsewhere).

As you read the numbers below, please don’t read too fast. Allow yourself to remember that each number refers to a human being.

Every day 5 children die from abuse and neglect right here in our country^[3], or 1,770 children in 2009^[4]. However, this number doesn’t take into account the fact that 50-60% of children’s deaths due to maltreatment are not listed as such on the death certificate. 80% of these children are under 4 years old. In addition, an estimated 695,000 children were abused in 2010^[5], and in 2009 there were reports and allegations of abuse involving 6 million children.

More than one in four children live in a single parent home^[6], or 24 million children^[7]. 408,000 children were in foster care^[8] in 2010, but it should be noted that closer to 600,000 move in and out of foster care during the year.

Every day more than 3 women are murdered by their partners^[10]. About 1.3 million women are victims of physical violence by their partner every year. Nearly 7.8 million women have been raped by their partner at some point in their lives.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.^[11] In 2005 there were 191,000 cases of rape or sexual assault reported,^[12] a significant number of cases are not reported.

Whenever I listen to the news or hear depressing things like these statistics about the state of family in America I feel overwhelmed. What can I possibly do to help change the suffering in the world? What’s really frustrating is I usually answer, Not much.

But I can change what’s happening in my home with my significant other (okay, I don’t have one, but you might!), my children, my grandchildren, and my broader family. I can change how I relate to my friends and colleagues. I can change how I behave in relationships and I can do it today.

Guy Finley writes, “How do we illuminate our relationships at home, in our workplace, wherever we are? What must we do to enlighten this murky world of ours that staggers under the weight of its own shadows? We must cease being an unconscious part of its darkness.”

I see my Self and each being as a spiritual individual and understand we are eternally interconnected in relationships. I choose to act with each person, event, and my environment in a manner that honors and energizes how I want to express myself in my personal relationship with the divine. I design my relationship and establish the tenor of that relationship with divinity by choosing how I act in each circumstance now.

Let the numbers remind us; let the human beings remind us; let our loved ones remind us: we can choose to love unconditionally.

With love to you and your family,

[1] CDC FastStats

[2] http://www.divorcereform.org/rates.html

[3] http://www.childhelp.org/pages/statistics

[4] http://www.gao.gov/new.items/d11599.pdf

[5] http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/statistics/can.cfm

[6] http://www.familyfacts.org/charts/135/more-than-one-in-four-children-live-in-a-single-parent-home

[7] http://datacenter.kidscount.org/data/acrossstates/Rankings.aspx?loct=2&;by=a&order=a&ind=107&dtm=432&ch=a&tf=133

[11] http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/

[12] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_in_the_United_States

The First Five Minutes

April 4, 2012 by Pranada Comtois Leave a Comment

I like to set my inner compass for the day before I lift off the covers and begin moving. I begin by thinking about what is scheduled for the day, who I will interact with, what I’ll do. First I note without judgment my thoughts, sensations, mood, and emotions, and breathe into them with acceptance. I gather myself—all parts. The multiple voices in my head and the variety of feelings, and I think and feel through how I would like to interact with the day.

This self cooperation with all our parts shouldn’t be underestimated or undervalued. I use it many times, not just during my first five minutes, to manage stress, anxiety, increase work output, and resolve conflicts at other times.

During my five-minute alignments, I consider how I want to see myself and the world.

I have found that the key to the practice of loving unconditionally is remembering that I am a spiritual being and others are spiritual individuals, too. When I see someone in the day, I often make a mental note while we’re talking, This person is more than what I see, s/he is a spiritual Self.

To get myself to make this mental note in real time with a person, I remind myself in my first five minutes. What can I say about reminding myself to remember? Our natural condition in the material world is to be forgetful. I want to remember, to be conscious, and present every day. I don’t find this comes automatically, but it can come easily through practice.

So, I’m lying in bed and I think about the activities scheduled for the day. If it’s likely to be a hectic day, I’ll lovingly explain to myself that I’ll breathe and move through the day without rushing. I may move quickly, but I don’t want to rush. Rushing causes me to be unconscious about what I’m doing and why.

While cutting vegetables, sweeping the floor or speaking with a doctor or an IRS agent I want to remember that I’m acting as service to others. I want to be in service to the people I love. We can always look for ways to extend the boundary of love beyond our family and friends, but first we must start with those we’re closest to.

Back to my meditation. Maybe tensions have been growing during the past few interactions with someone I’m going to see that day and I want to diffuse the situation. I visualize the person in my mind, see them as a spiritual being, check in with my own boundaries and needs and commit to honoring what is required for my health. I remember good qualities about this person. Then I ask to be of service.

Whether it’s a person or a relationship or an activity I focus on becoming conscious about, I bring as much clarity around my intent as possible, as if setting the stage for the players to act out the drama later. I can even visualize how I would like to see the exchange go. I don’t think events will unfold according to my vision of them, rather I’m clarifying and strengthening my intent.

Taking five minutes when I wake up, or five seconds before I begin an activity or interaction, to willfully set the course of my relationship with the day or event or person predisposes me to behavior I would like to model.

Without being conscious like this, I find myself less capable of navigating through a difficult exchange or pressing on with determination when I’m bored, scared, or simply lazy.

Unlike artificial energy from coffee, RedBull, or 5-Hour Energy, if I consciously align my intents and emotions with my integrity and desired behavior, I have inner strength to draw on throughout the day.

Artificial stimulants that can mask genuine needs of the body such as proper rest, nutrition, and relaxation and thus create imbalance and even illness, but inner strength guides me to not only recognize my genuine needs—all of them: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, this inner powerhouse supplies intelligence, energy, discretion, and intuition to help me maintain balance and spiritual direction.

Conscious days spill into my dreams at night.

Sometimes I clearly see myself working through emotional and mental challenges in my dreams; I become a witness of inner healing. Often, if I pay attention, I learn tips and tools for navigating “waking” life.

By taking five to set my compass, if I head south with an attitude or behavior (with myself or others), I’m likely remember my true destination and re-track my steps, or relocate my direction, toward what’s important.

The early moments of awakening help me tap the wisdom of the right brain and my heart.

It’s a time of synthesizing and looking at wholes and aesthetics and seeing concepts, events, people, and relationships in completely different perspectives. It’s a time, literally, of setting tones, like hitting a bell and letting the sound reverberate through my body and align my heart.

I like keeping my eyes closed when I wake, and stay in a meditative state, while I imagine through whatever character, quality, behavior, or perspective I want to work on. It’s often surprising—always edifying—where the randomness of thoughts and feelings lead and how powerfully they stay with me. Just by being with my day like this before it begins I often see ways to make the day more enjoyable or manageable.

Inner strength, acceptance, focus—developing what I want my inner landscape to look like—is fueled by an inner commitment to develop it. Just as the balance in my bank account will only grow when I make deposits of money in it, inner strength grows through deposits of attention and intention.

If I take this spiritual perspective in mind and heart, then living high aspirations even when everything and everyone seems to be going against my grain is manageable. It’s almost as if taking a few minutes to lay down some track is all I need to pick up speed and stay the course.

Come from your heart for your first five minutes and watch your life shift. To your first five and finding your heart compass,

Love: The Most Important Need, Part Two

January 18, 2012 by Pranada Comtois Leave a Comment

In a previous post I shared three questions I received, and answered one. Here are replies to the other two.

Why can only love for and from God fulfill the Self’s need for love?

The individual soul is finite. Finite means limited. We cannot understand and appreciate every aspect, every minute nuance, of another’s personality, thoughts, desires, and needs.

Even our primary and reliable method of communication, words, completely fail us when we try to share an exact feeling—every complexity of it, how it mixes with other feelings, how it relates to all aspects of our experience and personality.

Each of us is unique. Unique loveliness. Who can understand our complex uniqueness which is not duplicated anywhere else in the world?

Only one who understands us, exactly as we perceive our self, can make our heart sing through a loving relationship exactly suited to our temperament, concept of pleasure, and the vast construct of our individuality.

The Divine is infinite. Only God is capable of the mystic feat of knowing us exactly as we are. There is no barrier between his knowing and feeling and our knowing and feeling. This enables him to reciprocate each thought, each action, each desire with piercing accuracy according to our needs and wants.

Why can’t our unconditional love and compassion in relationships with others fulfill the need of the Soul?

To a very large degree we can be fulfilled by unconditional love from another person.

Come from Your Heart; See with Your Heart

We are spiritual Beings—every one of us. The way we draw out genuine love consistently is to approach relationships with a clear view of our spiritual identity and make daily reference to this vision. We must cultivate this vision, see with the heart—sometimes every few minutes when someone is really annoying us!

Each of us is a divine Being sitting next to the Supreme Being.

Each of us is worthy of unconditional love.

What happens when we love others like this?

They begin to understand their worthiness. From the love I have received from friends and family I’ve gained an awareness that if they can love me unconditionally, then certainly the Divine can. By experiencing unconditional love, people generally will want to share it with others. Give, and unconditional love will increase your self worth, other’s self worth, and will likely springboard others into bringing that gift to their other relationships.

Practicing Unconditional Love

Love wielded incorrectly, inappropriately, or immaturely can wreak havoc. Love must be handled with discretion, intelligence, and compassion, and in practical terms, ever fluid in its search for true and pure expression.

While we do not leave discrimination aside, we practice drawing up the feeling of unconditional love.

For women who have had children and their maternal instincts kicked in it’s a simple matter of remembering those feelings. For those who have never had a maternal experience, then examining the nature of other’s maternal expression may help point the way. We can also look at any relationship that we feel most loving and meditate on expressing more love in a pure, selfless way (not self-negating way).

Practice builds up our heart muscle, our heart intelligence, our heart feeling. We can learn how to handle love, and it requires conscious handling. With this intent, our heart opens more and more to its natural state. Each step toward loving fully is more joyful than the previous. We soften the heart a little more each time we extend selfless love, until it is like whipped butter which spreads deliciously, warmly, avoiding artificial imitation.

As you know, I consider the avenue of developing authentic love for our Self and others on top of the list for a spiritual life.

Considering that we all live with others on a daily basis, and how important relationships are in our lives and as a spiritual path, the closer we come to spiritually loving others, the closer we come to self fulfillment.

Love is a wonderful, self-perpetuating commodity.

Love: The Most Important Need of the Self

January 9, 2012 by Pranada Comtois Leave a Comment

I consider a letter I received asking three essential questions about the Self as a New Year’s gift. Here they are along with my responses.

1. Why is love the fundamental and most important need of the Self?

2. Why can only love of God fulfill this need?

3. Why can’t our unconditional love and compassion in relationships with others fulfill the need of the Soul?

I could give a one sentence answer to each one, but without a philosophical foundation, those answers might appear trite or mediocre. So onto a little exposition.

For clarity’s sake, the terms Self, Consciousness, and Spirit on this blog are used interchangeably to describe the same thing. What is that “thing”? What is Consciousness? A simple definition:

Consciousness is Energy.

According to Bhagavad Gita, consciousness is spiritual energy. There are two energies in the world: material energy and spiritual energy. Nearly all our studies, inside and outside of universities, focus on material energy: gross or subtle. We study technology, nature, plant and animal life, or the mind. In every case, we’re studying material energy.

We need to understand spiritual energy to understand Consciousness, or the Self.

• Spiritual energy is eternal, full of knowledge, and happiness.

• There are two types of spiritual energy: the Self and the Divine

By definition eternal is immutable or unchangeable. Therefore the way we experience spiritual energy now is no different than spiritual energy’s eternal state.

Since we are individuals, the Self is eternally an individual.

Individuals, people, need love. Matter, or material energy doesn’t need love. Love exists in the realm of personality and individuality.

Therefore the first question I received is a valid existential question: Since we are individuals we need love. But why?

Why is love the fundamental and most important need of the Self?

Spirit is eternal, full of knowledge, and bliss. We must be surrounded by, and immersed in, all three of these aspects of spiritual energy to be grounded in wholeness.

Of these three the human need for happiness is the strongest. Knowledge offers a type of happiness and the concept of eternity can give comfort. But these alone cannot give bliss.That commodity is only available in relationships. In relationships with the Divine and the unlimited spiritual Beings, our brothers and sisters we live with now in this material world.

Relationships are emotional bonds. The supreme emotion is love. It is so powerful that when it is expressed in its most exalted state, unconditional love, God bows to it, is captured by it. Our nature is a reflection of the divine’s nature.

This is who we are. This is the Self. We are servants of unconditional love. We seek it endlessly, we desire to give it unlimitedly. Until we achieve it, the Self remains restless, searching, unsettled, anxious, unsure. That state of Being is impossibly unhappy.

Does this help? Is there something unclear? Thank you for asking such wonderful questions. Up next, answers to the other two questions.

From my heart to yours,

Women Possess the Ultimate Spiritual Power: Unconditional Love, Own Yours Today

August 20, 2011 by Pranada Comtois Leave a Comment

The modem is down again, I got enough sleep but not enough rest, I want to write so I’m reading about writing (yes, I know how stupid it is to read about writing instead of just writing).

Patterns persist. It’s their nature. Pay attention, learn what they are in your life, and you’ll have more tools and information for improving your life.

Patterns teach me a lot about myself and the world. I especially enjoy exploring the specific pattern of all beings: the need for love. My preferred spiritual path is Bhakti, the Way of Love. Not just any love. The love that intrigues me the most, the one I believe offers the most personal, professional, and social benefit is unconditional love.

Yes, I know how scary those two words used together “unconditional” and “love” are. I’ve been practicing unconditional love in relationships for forty years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an expert in practice, though I know a lot about the theory. One thing is certain: I’m committed to finding a way to unconditional love in my life, in practical, down-to-earth methods based on Bhakti’s ancient teachings. I’ve been trying to eat this elephant whole for a long time, which has given me great indigestion and little results, but lots of wisdom about the path and our western 21st century psychology.

It finally occurred to me I can only achieve the goal of my practice in small steps. But mini-steps can led to quantum leaps in two ways: by sheer accumulation of the number of steps (okay, almost impossible and impractical), or if your foot lands on grace. I’ve discovered unconditional love is pure grace and therefore mini-steps quickly lead to quantum leaps.

Ultimate Goal: Love of God

To be clear, the goal of practicing unconditional love is to come to the point of loving God. I trust in an intelligent universe, a compassionate creator, and a source of my “beingness” or consciousness. This is my ultimate goal: love of God.

First, Love Thyself

In service of this goal, I hold other truths and goals. Namely, I must love myself unconditionally first and foremost. That may be counterintuitive to loving God at first blush (it was for me for more than twenty years), but the simple fact is love keeps body and soul together. Without love there is abuse and misuse and all sorts of unsavory behaviors. So Love Thyself is a preliminary goal. (Keep in mind, to truly love yourself you’ll need to know more about yourself than psychology or your personality type or what you can uncover with your intellect. That’s where the spiritual teachings of Bhakti from Bhagavad Gita will give us guidance.) I’ve found that I cannot unconditionally love others or God until I can love myself in that unbounded capacity. It’s a work in progress.

Second, Love Others

I’ve also learned loving God doesn’t come easy and loving others seems harder still, but learning to love others is exactly where we would do the most good—for the world and our personal spiritual journey. Practicing unconditional love in all relationships is the second phase toward our ultimate goal of loving God because we get hands-on practice. Loving God can be fairly theoretical and obscure for most of us (until we gain the knack of understanding that God is a person and has a specific psychology). Loving our spouse, or child, or friend, neighbor, fellow grocery shopper, driver on the highway, or colleague in school or at work presents the real challenge. They’re right in front of us!

The Mystery of Life Lies in the Mastery of Emotions

Learning to give unconditional love to ourselves and others trains us in the ultimate giving of unconditional love for God. That’s why I say the mystery of life lies in the mastery of emotions. Unconditional loving presents the greatest challenge in mastering emotions, but the rewards are truly unlimited when we understand that in giving and receiving this love we finally come to the natural core of our being.

Philosophy or religion or spiritual teachings become rhetoric or dogma or ritual if devoid of a practical spiritual core. If you’re like me, you’re probably fed up with tips and pointers and empty promises of personal and spiritual help and development.

I want something practical. Something I can use when I’m cooking or driving or attending a meeting. Practices that make sense to draw on and give me ability to raise my granddaughter and navigate my relationships with my disabled son (homeless) and daughter-in-law (my husband and I were able to get her into a travel trailer as she was headed for the street). (If you want more backstory you’ll have to read the blog more.)

As an entrepreneur for twenty years, I saw the power of running businesses by dealing with employees as family with a heart-based model.

As someone who was affiliated with a religious institution of patriarchal bent, I’m fed up with the disempowerment of women in religious traditions, the rising incidence of pastoral abuse in America, the sexual abuse of our children.

As a concerned citizen I can’t change politics no matter how many news shows I listen to or watch, no matter how superb the reporting is. I can’t change Kim Kardashian wastefully spending millions on a wedding, while fires burn in London where millions of youth are unemployed, a crisis in Somalia mounts as thousands of children die of starvation, conflict and wars mount, and America’s financial crisis continues.

I want to change much, but I can only change myself and share what I’ve learned with others. I especially want to assist women who are natural givers and knowers of unconditional love–the secret ingredient to a truly spiritual, worthy life.

David Suissa got it right on HuffPo in his article, “A Woman’s Spiritual Edge.” Women have more of an edge than most realize and Bhakti points out how this is so. Women are the real spiritual leaders in this world, though traditions and the centuries have tried to tell us otherwise.

From my years of study I’ve found that the most interesting pattern is that the world generally hides these spiritual truths: unconditional love is the surest path to God and our personal happiness; women easily access unconditional love, thus are the wisest spiritual preceptors.

I want to show women the spiritual power we hold and help us own it. Will you join me and explore your own natural power and share it with the world around you? In Little Ways of Being™ we’ll come to see how we can accomplish the impossible with mini-steps.